Sunday, June 28, 2009

Like the surface of the sun if the surface of the sun contained hillbillies.

Oh hi,

I’m writing this in the car on the way to Louisiana. We spent last night in Birmingham, AL where we went to a bar featuring the most pregnant lady in the world drinking a glass of wine. Keep it classy, Alabama.
Aaron and I decided to have a relatively loud and protracted discussion about fetal alcohol syndrome which culminated with me saying, “I think it’s cool in European countries to have a glass of wine while you’re pregnant.”
Aaron then said, “Well, I certainly hope her baby’s going to be a European.”

Maybe that baby will grow up to be a German raver, which is technically the same as being retarded.

The two days prior to that we spent with my family in Tennessee. We stayed (in separate beds, ya’ll) at my aunt’s house in Knoxville. We managed to visit pretty much every relative that I could think of with the exception of ANYONE approaching my age.
My family lives on the side of an honest to god mountain. I got a picture of the most startling drop-off which ,despite being paved and really well maintained, manages to make you feel like you are going to go careening to your death at any moment.
All the ladies in my family love Aaron… like, awkward love him. My 96-year-old aunt tried to pull him onto her lap and told me she was “keepin’ him”. It has been discussed and agreed upon that he is handsome, a real sweet boy and much too skinny. I think implied therein is that I am a total failure because he is not fat.

I won’t write much about the cave tour we took, because Aaron summed it up really well. It’s notable that Aaron’s bruises are the most spectacular thing that I’ve seen.

I believe the Garmin and I have reconciled. It gives me such clear and accurate directions that I have decided to start having it make all of my decisions for me.

“What should my advanced degree be in, Garmin?”


“That makes no goddamn sense, Garmin.”

Let’s see… we’re currently driving through Mississippi. Mississippi sucks a little bit. I like that every tree here manages to look like a pine tree of some sort, but there are a lot of really tanned, really southern looking people here and that bothers me somewhat.
We ate at a Mexican restaurant just a minute ago and the couple next to us was very tanned, very southern. The lady (about 5 years younger than me, no less) and her husband had four totally white children and one small bi-racial baby.

In closing, it is 102 degrees Fahrenheit and the demon sun is reflecting like a light bulb in a mirror off of the white-paved expanses of this god forsaken state of child brides and illegitimate brown babies and burning my delicate undercarriage.



  1. Laura...You said this woman was very pregnant, perhaps she was trying to move things along? My mother, who has been pregnant A LOT, has often told me that on or after your due date a few drinks is the very best way to induce labor. That said, being a product of Germany myself, I nearly peed my pants at the raver comment. And I am now left to wonder if I am the way I am because my mother was drinking while preggers.

  2. Also, the multiple steps one must take to post a comment here help people like me immensely. As we are made to edit what we post before we leave some inappropriate drunken message for the world. Not that I'm drunk at 12.30 in the afternoon on a Monday or anything.